What’s the Matter With Oregon?

By Mark Kaufman
I spent the weekend in Oregon, a lovely day in Portland and a road trip down to Ashland for The Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Overall a great trip, Oregon is a beautiful state, however what the fuck is with Oregonians and their footwear choices? Never in my life have I seen such a horrid display of skank foot in my life. Apparantly there isn’t one pair of shoes for the entire population of over 3 million people. I saw some pretty nasty feet encased in every conceivable configuration of sandal, mandal, flip flop, sport sandal, Jesus boot, Teva/Birkenstock/laughingstock you could possibly imagine. And not one of them was pleasing to the eye. If I could avert my gaze to avoid the revolting sight of an outdoorsy, open toed, leather strapped monstrosity, I would be assaulted by an even worse looking horror. It is a nightmare! On the street, in a restaurant, at the theatre, on a train, or bus or limousine, seemingly every man woman or child in the state wants to fly their feet flag for all the world to see. I know the sartorial standards for all Americans has been lowered to almost caveman like levels, but Oregon takes the cake. Please Oregonians, do the world a favor, and buy a pair of shoes.